she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Boobs speak an international language.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
