Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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