I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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