I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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