i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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