last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
