i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
