the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
