What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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