perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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