I smell stomach acid.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
