I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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