***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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