He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
