her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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