i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
