this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
