When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
