I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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