My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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