Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
