She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
