ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My liver just had a heart attack.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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