God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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