The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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