great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
