Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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