My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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