She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
