i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
