Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
