I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
