Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
