My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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