Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
