wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just google imaged poop.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
