'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
