apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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