Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
