She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
