The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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