I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
