did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
