But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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