John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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