i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
