Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
