don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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