You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
