Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
