I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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