I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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