I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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